She's Always a Woman...

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes... She can ruin your faith with her casual lies... And she only reveals what she wants you to see... She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me... She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you... She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you... And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free... Yea, she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me... Oh she takes care of herself... She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time... Oh and she never gives out and she never gives in... She just changes her mind... And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden... Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin'... But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be... Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me... She is frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel... She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool... And she can't be convicted she's earned her degree... And the most she will do is throw shadows at you but she's always a woman to me...

I remember being a little girl and hearing this song on the radio. Ya know, back when this song wasn't an oldie but a current song. My mother loved it and always left it on when we were in the car. I obviously didn't like it that much because it made me want to go to sleep. I got a little bit older and actually listened to it. And I remember wanting to be this woman. She is everything. From what I understand, she doesn't take any crap from anyone. And he just admires the shit out of her. I remember listening to it on repeat in my teenage years and crying because the words were so incredibly beautiful.

Being this woman isn't difficult. She's obviously strong and weak. Kind and cruel. Everything that a woman should be. Everyday is this unspoken battle when you're a woman. And every single day I pray that when I have kids that I have all boys. While a little girl would be lovely to dress and coo at... I don't think I can deal with having to take care of things that I already went through. How do you talk a daughter down from her first broken heart? How do you tell her that she doesn't need the friends that make fun of her when they are the only friends she knows? How do you explain that she's going to be emotional 99% of the time and that because it's in her DNA makeup that she will most likely wear her heart on her sleeve? And how do you teach her to guard her heart so that she doesn't get hurt? It scares the crap out of me.

Because I am not this woman that Billy Joel is singing about. I have never spoken up for myself. I have constantly left my heart out there for people to abuse. I don't blame anyone but me for that. I have invested my feelings and emotions into things that don't deserve that kind of energy from me. And I realized all of these things this weekend. My 29th birthday was one of the best of my life and yet, I got hurt.

I explained in a previous blog that my best friend for the last 22 years planned her baby shower on my birthday. While it wasn't a milestone birthday, I still think it was a shitty thing to do. Mainly because I am a sensitive soul and I think about everyone but me and I know that having my shower on her birthday wouldn't even be an option. Not because of her and what her reaction would be, but because I don't do shit like that. I think about everyone and everything and would never ever do that to someone I considered one of my best friends. Clearly, I mean nothing.

Initially, her mother wrote me an email apologizing for booking it on my birthday but the hall was booked for the day after and they couldn't get another date. I decided to be the bigger person... of course I would go, wouldn't miss it for the world. Then, had dinner with said best friend and she kept talking about her shower. I'm thinking all along that it's a surprise and she has no idea that it's on my birthday. Finally after all the talk about it, I asked her if she knew when it was. She said "yes, do you know?" I said I did. She's like "yea I figured it was no big deal, it's just your birthday. Plus, I knew you wouldn't care." REALLY? How dare you think that I want to spend MY day at your shower. From then on, I was pissed.

At the shower this weekend, on my birthday, I didn't help open presents because why should I? I sat all the way in exile with the rest of her friends (read: minions). I was invisible. She didn't bring my gift. Didn't even acknowledge it was my birthday and I fucking showed up. And today when I heard that she thanked everyone but me and my other best friend, I thought a lot about our friendship. And when I thought about it I realized that it has been a friendship to fit her needs... never mine. I have made it totally convenient for her being her friend but never vice versa. Everything has always been what she wanted and needed. And that seemed really sad to me. That I have spent my whole life trying to make her happy, but did not get the same in return. Yea, she's been there for me, but when it was convenient for her. When it was on her terms. Never on mine. I can't even begin to tell you all of the fights she's started with me over petty bullshit and not once have I ever spoken up for myself. And this weekend hurt me. That she didn't even care.

Everyone who was there this weekend, who showed up for me and my fellow 227's, those are the people I give a shit about. They have been there through thick and thin. And I am done wasting my energy on someone who will never know when enough is enough. She has ruined her life and believes that she has the best. I am done being judged by her and her family. I am done feeling like I am not enough. I know who my real friends are. Clearly, she could care less about me.

This woman, in the song, she doesn't exist within me. I am to careful to be cruel. I believe in always being the better person because I don't want to hurt anyone. I believe that in my next life I am coming back as a man because this woman shit is for the birds. No one gives you a manual on how to deal with this petty bullshit that you're born into. Maybe Billy Joel should write the manual. Seems like he had the right idea...

That's all for now...

Thanks for reading...