Fast As You Can...

I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight and I will not let you win... My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will disprove your faith in man... So if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart from under your skin... Fast as you can baby scratch me out, free yourself fast as you can... Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift... But most of the time it does.... And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift or I'll drown in the wonders and the was... And I'll be your girl if you say it's a gift and you give me some more of your drugs... Yeah, I'll be your pet if you just tell me it's a gift... 'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys... Just need a little because, because...

I'm crawling in my friggin skin today. I want to scream at the top of my lungs at absolutely everything that crosses my path. I'm tired of squeaky fucking brakes, people who don't know how to drive constantly cutting me off, people asking me what's wrong, people telling me to be on time, fucking everything. I don't want to hear another sound. I am so tired. Tired of not hearing what I want to hear. Tired of this fucking life. Tired.

And I know all my recent posts have been cushy about me trying to change myself. Today I'm not in a change myself kind of mood. I am so fucking pissed and I don't know why. I mean, I guess in the back of my brain I know why, but it's not a good reason. I am just tired. I don't want to hear anyone's bullshit anymore. Tell me something fucking real. If something's bothering you, get it off your chest and let's move on. This is what happens when I hit a fucking point. I can't stand the sad faces and the you not telling me what's really on your mind parts of relationships. I can't. Drives me bananas. And I hate when people insinuate that I'm late all the time by telling me that dinner will be ready at that time and make sure you're not late. I'm always fucking late. Because I have 900 things to do from the minute I get out of work. And if one more person tells me that I'm in a bad mood and/or asks me what's wrong... my head is going to explode. I'm fine, I just feel like being a bitch right now.

I started with Fast As You Can because this song used to be on a constant loop on my stereo when the CD came out. It's me. I'm out of my mind. I am constantly indulging in things and then I get tired of them. I'm constantly saying I'm going to do things and never do them. And that bothers me. It's bothering me now. It upsets me that I manage to suck people into my hell only to let them down. I let people down. I do everything in my power not to let that happen, and yet it happens. And I'm so tired of being a disappointment. Especially to myself.

As I sit here typing away there is a young man on the street six floors down that I can hear. Since the weather has been simply spectacular for the last few days, he has been out there every night. And every night I have to listen to him smashing his fucking skateboard around. I should be more understanding, except that noise is making me want to scream at him. He's learning, I get that, and that's why I'm not screaming. But that noise. Grr.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I am just so completely tired of everything today. And tomorrow I'll be back to good. But right now, I'm twisted. Even that pisses me off. The fact that I'm twisted. Whatever. I heard something on the radio this morning that ticked me off. I was listening to a morning show that I listen to sometimes. There is one girl on it that drives me nuts. And she was running her mouth about cheating because of the whole Jesse James thing. And she was saying how there should be a law all over the country that allows the wives to sue the women that ruin their marriages. WTF? Apparently it's a law in North Carolina. But that's bullshit. Why on earth would you do that? And so this chick agreed and she was yelling about it, running her mouth on the radio. And that made me mad. That she gets to say whatever thoughts pop into her head on a national radio station. And God forbid I say something out of line, someone jumps down my fucking throat.

Ke$ha is another thing that pissed me off today. She's stupid and I don't like her fucking voice. I was reading Rolling Stone one day and there was a blurb about her. And she was saying how she talks to her mom about the guys that she gives blow jobs to. WTF? Why would you want to talk to your mom about that? I'm super cool with my mom, but that's not shit she needs to know. Ya know? And I know I said I wasn't gonna judge people that I didn't know. But fuck that. I hate her and I hate Gaga. And I'm allowed.

Sorry this is all over the place. I'm just allowing the thoughts to flow. Which is stupid because they're not even good thoughts. But I'm getting it out. I'm trying to move past this mood. I already put on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I'm on my way to good thoughts. I just really feel like Clementine when she says "I'm lost. I'm scared. I feel like I'm disappearing. I'm getting old and nothing makes sense to me." In this moment that's how I feel. And I can't explain it. I don't want to delve into why. I know why. I feel like I'm stuck here. And that I will always be stuck here. Like I'm frozen. I know I'm not. I just feel like I am. And that's ok for right now. I'm ok with that. I'm gonna have my time right now to wallow in whatever I feel like wallowing in. And tomorrow morning I'm going to treat the day as a brand new one. I'm not going to wallow or be upset about anything.

But today. Today I feel like being this way. And I'm gonna watch this movie and feel better before sleep.

Thanks for reading...