Seven Deadly Sins...

Suffers who suffer all can swim upon the desert where avarice have ravaged all in spite of good intentions… Don't fill your mouth with gluttony for pride will surely swell… But nothing's unforgiven in the four corners of hell… Envy and its evil twin it crept in bed with slander… Idiots they gave advice but sloth it gave no answer… Anger kills the human soul with butter tales of lust… While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' on the legs they never trust… But it’s the only life we'll know… Blagards to the bone… So don't wreck yourself, take an honest grip… For there's more tales beyond the shore…

So, Easter will be here in two-ish weeks and my mind is reeling again. Last year I went to confession the week before and I plan on doing it again this year. The only problem is that, once again, I am conflicted. Last year was not easy for me. I went to confession with my head held down in shame. It was easy in the sense that I knew I was going to genuinely apologize for denying God for as long as I had. It wasn’t easy for me to admit it, but I felt it was the only way I could get back to good. To admit that I was wrong. To admit that I had been guided by all the wrong things. To admit that I was sorry for pushing God away.

I’m not a holy roller. I’ve said that many times before in this blog. But the last two years of my life have woken me up. It’s not that I strive to be “holy”. I’m not even sure that it’s possible for me. But I know that I do my best to stay away from the horrible stuff I once did. I find myself actually being sorry when I do bad things. I also find that me doing bad things happens less and less. And I find that I have the ability to not give into temptation and I don’t get tempted by much, where as before, I was out right looking for it. Getting back on this path has been a good and bad thing for me. When I didn’t care about anything it was easy to do whatever I wanted to do. Now, I am so completely conflicted. I question every move I make. I hear so many religious and anti-religion points of view and I don’t know which is right. All I really want is to do the right thing. I don’t want to be bad me anymore. And yet, I still feel major guilt for the me that I once existed.

My curiosity leads me in all different directions. I Google a whole heck of a lot. Because the truth is that I want to learn more. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to go back on the journey… I want to keep pushing forward. I want to stop doing things that may hurt myself or others. I want to be a better me. Not necessarily a better Catholic, but a better me in general. I look back on the life that has brought me to this place and I wonder how I will ever move forward when I carry around so much guilt for what I’ve done. And it has nothing to do with what church instills in me, and everything to do with the fact that I don’t like what I’ve done. And now that I go to church every week and learn something new every time I go… I wonder if I really am or will be forgiven…

There are seven deadly sins. Sins that God absolutely HATES. They are mortal sins and are believed to destroy any chance you’ve got when it comes to getting into heaven. And while we are all sinners, it’s tough for me to understand whether or not I will be forgiven for the life I lead. How bad do you have to be? And does He really forgive us all just as long as we confess? CON-FLIC-TED. I don’t know if it’s that you over do it on the sin that makes it deadly… or if you only do it a little bit that you have a shot at being forgiven. OR, as long as you go to confession, everything is forgiven? No. Clue.

-Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

-Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

-Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

-Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

-Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

-Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

-Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

My questions are, most likely, really stupid. I am just trying so hard to understand who I am and what I need from this life. And I feel like I need answers and so I search to find them. Even if most of my questions, most likely, will remain unanswered. When I look at the seven deadly sins… ya know the mortal ones… I can’t help but question them. I’m not trying to be blasphemous; I’m just trying to really understand. See, we all do these things every day… does that make us all mortal sinners forever? We do these things on a very low scale without even thinking about it and that’s why I’m asking.

Pride is supposedly the worst one. It’s the one that God hates the most. He kicked Satan out of the equation because Satan wanted to be God. Pride is the basis of the other six. Pride will cause wrath, envy, greed, gluttony, lust and even sloth. When you are too proud you are too cruel. You brag and give yourself credit for everything. And I know people like this. But how bad does it have to be? I get envious of people. Not to the point where I let it guide my life and my decisions. But being envious often pushes me into the direction I need to be going in. But now that I’m taking the time to write these thoughts out, I’m actually thinking that while we all show bits of these sins in our everyday lives I don’t think that’s what God meant. Being lazy on a Sunday afternoon isn’t sloth. God was the one that said “On the seventh day, rest”.

The thing is that I know people who live their lives similarly to what these sins suggest. I know people who are constantly envious of people around them to the point where they are wretched. I know people who are greedy who will never be satisfied with what they have. I know people who let anger guide their existence. I just know in my heart that I’m not any of those things. This past year and a half has made me aware of these things and the fact that they are poisonous in my life. I said in a recent post that I can’t be around people who constantly toot their own horns anymore. That may sound really stupid and maybe a little bit snobby but understand where I'm coming from. I grew up not believing that you should make your life out to be better than anyone else's. Hearing someone brag about their lives is like venom. I will always be there to tell my friends that I am proud of them. I am happy for the ones I love when they move on to a new chapter or accomplish something that they’ve been working on. I appreciate when people are humble. I appreciate when people hear a nice thing and actually appreciate it. I can't give compliments to people who already give themselves props every minute. There is a fine line between being prideful for your accomplishments and prideful just because you think you’re the bee’s knees. And I know a few people who teeter on that line.

In no way do I think that I am better than anyone else on this earth. I don't. If you know me then you know I don't. I am my own worst enemy. I don't fish for compliments. And that doesn't make me the greatest person either. I am not trying to toot my own horn by writing this. I am just trying to put my puzzle together. I really am trying to be a better me. I would even go as far as saying that I'm envious of people who give themselves credit because I wouldn't even know where to begin. And those people really do get everything. And so I'm just trying to put this together. Make sense of me. Not try to tell you that you're wrong and I'm right.

It’s weird. As a Catholic you’re supposed to trust God. Trust that if you do the right thing your gift will be eternal life in heaven. But I’m a total control freak, remember? It’s not that I don’t want to trust God. Of course I know I should. I have no reason not to. Except that I’m a control freak. It’s very hard to put my trust and my life into someone else’s hands. Even if it is God. Again, I am not trying to be blasphemous nor am I trying to preach… I just wish so badly I could say that I can stop thinking about where I will end up and just give it all to the highest power.
It's just weird how going back to church has opened me up to a whole new slew of things to think about. Like I said, it was easier when I was selfish and didn't care about anything. But that doesn't mean that I was right.

Based on the seven sins listed, then I know that I have done things in my past that have made me a mortal sinner. I’m not getting into that here or now. But I know that I have done enough for others to be okay with myself. I’m not saying my slate is entirely clean. I know that I’m a work in progress. But I think that my slate has less things on it than it did before. And that makes me feel good. I don’t do things for others to get in good with the big guy upstairs. I do them because that’s what my heart tells me to do. I know that I still have a lot of work to do. And even when all is said and done for me, I’m not sure I’ve got a direct pass straight to heaven. I think God’s gonna have to check out the list of my pros and cons and let me hang out in purgatory for a while. He’s gonna have to analyze and see if the good outweighs the bad. And I won’t blame him for that. I just hope that purgatory is nothing like the show “Lost” because it’s going to be the series finale soon, and from what I understand, none of the questions have been answered.

So what exactly will I confess? I have no friggin idea...

Thanks for reading...