A Beautiful Place...

Father... can we start over? Take me to the places that we lived... 'Fore the days came, made us older... I wanna feel the way I did back then... 'Fore my heart grew cold... We live in a beautiful place... Let love take away all this pain... We live in a beautiful place... We wasted so many days... Our hearts are as dark as the rain... We live in a beautiful place...

Today was a day when I woke up and felt differently. I don't know why, but I did. Long story that I don't want to get in to right now... but I woke up scared to death that I was going to lose my job over something that I might have said but couldn't remember if I said it or not. I was a nervous wreck all weekend. There was some shit going around the rumor mill at work that someone from my company called one of the big bosses an asshole... I couldn't remember if I said it or not. If I said it and someone might have heard me in the background. Either way, I was a mess.

I was a mess because calling someone an asshole isn't very nice. Even if they are one. And the thought of me saying something that might have pissed someone off scared the shit out of me. I could have potentially lost my job if I said something to offend this guy. And it wouldn't have been because I hurt his feelings, but because he could get rid of me with the snap of his fingers. And that's pretty shitty. But I stuck my foot in my mouth. And thank God nothing came of it today. And I pray that nothing comes out of it any time soon. Either way, there was no reason for me to be a wreck because there is no viable proof that anyone even said anything at all. But that's me. That's how I roll. Being a wreck is one of the things that I do best. We know this by now, right?

But I woke up with my foot in my mouth. Do you know how many times I have shoved my foot in my mouth?! It has to stop. I have to stop judging people. It's not nice. I don't need to be real or honest with anyone that I don't know. And being real and honest doesn't mean that you have to be nasty. The truth hurts sometimes, but I don't want to be the one saying shit I have no business saying. He doesn't know me, I don't know him... end of story.

I vowed this weekend that I was going to change my ways. I was going to stop placing judgement on shit I know nothing about. I've decided that 2010 is going to be about my own personal growth. I'm 29 years old now. I want to stop with the nonsense. And that is the absolute truth. I can not continue on this path. It's time to take a new route. It's time to step outside the proverbial box that is my life and take a look around me. There is so much more than me out there and I need to figure that out and move forward.

So this morning, I was thankful that I woke up, had clothes to wear, had a car to take me to work, had a job to go to, had people to laugh with, etc. And so I sponsored a child in Kenya via Compassion. And it was the best thing I've done all year. I am so completely excited about it and can't wait to get my package in the mail that will tell me all about this little boy. He's a 227 too which is so completely rad. And I feel like this is the coolest thing I've done in my life. To really give back to someone who truly needs it.

I've been thinking a lot about my life and all the stuff that I've allowed. And I find that I'm such a hypocrite sometimes. And right now, in this moment, that fact bothers me. You can't cry over lost love when you hated being with that person. You can't complain that your father abandoned you but still talk to him. And you can't let friends walk all over you and still want their friendship. Hypocrisy. It's overpowering and I'm tired of being a hypocrite.

I find that I play the victim really well and today it became completely clear to me that it's bullshit. Yes, bad shit has happened in my life. But I'm still here. That's a really big deal. Some people don't make it this far. Yes, my father left me and my mother when I was 2 years old, but I've made peace with him and he is very much a part of my life at this moment. I can not play victim anymore. If I were to do that, I would have to cut him off and I don't want to do that. I can't say that I still hold it all against him because I don't. If he hadn't left, who knows who I would be? Would I be better or worse than I am now? That's an answer I don't want to know.

I have been black listed by people I thought were my friends. Their vindictive ways have always made me doubt myself. I have always felt guilty if I didn't do enough for everyone because there were people in my life who constantly made me aware of my shortcomings while I never spoke a word about theirs. Because I was afraid of who I would be without them. I allowed that kind of treatment my whole life. And it has made me a paranoid person, so afraid to be alone. To tell you the truth, I have learned so much about myself when I really thought about what these certain "friendships" did for me. They made me stronger. And they made me aware of who actually has my back. And I'm proud to have the ones that stand by my side now. Because they know that I would do anything for them without even questioning it... and that's a really big deal.

As much as I don't want to be a grown up... certain parts of my life need some serious growing up. I bought a place to live. I am completely self sufficient. Those two things are about as grown up as I get. Other than that, I'm going to continue to be crazy, silly me because I don't want to ever take myself too seriously. I know so many people who are so serious to the point where they are no fun to be around. I don't want to "grow up" per se, but there are things that I will no longer tolerate because those things are childish to the point of sickening.

Sponsoring this child was a big decision for me. But I feel so good about it. I get to write to him and tell him that he matters in this world. Because no one has told him that yet, and I personally can not wait to. People will judge me for doing it. They will tell me I'm stupid for giving money to a child in Africa when there are children in the USA who need money. And when they judge and say stupid things like that, I will give them a list of all of the charities I give to in the USA. I am a giving person. It's time to step out of that box. I wish I could give more. But this is all I can do right now.

I am done judging. I will not be that girl. I will hold my tongue before shoving my foot in my mouth. I am growing up day by day. I will never make people feel the way they make me feel when they say condescending things to me. I'm done hearing shit like that. I used to always believe that it was easier to believe the negative shit because that's all I was getting for a while. But nice words and kind hearts can work miracles and I'll be damned if I'm going to block them out like I used to.

This world really is a beautiful place. There are good people out there, you just have to weed out all the bad. Even if the bad includes the old you. It's worth it.

Thanks for reading...