Secrets...

In the dark, in the darkness you will find dirty little secrets we all hide... Cause we all have a darker side... A place we keep where no one else will find... In the back, in the closets of your mind, that's where skeletons and dirty secrets hide... And I'll rip out my insides and leave them on display for you tonight... Cause everybody wants to hide their secrets away... Nobody wants to stand up to the pain... All my life I hide my secrets away... in the dark... in the dark... in the dark...

Doing a little bit better since the last blog. I hate when I get like that. Talked some things out... feel a little bit better. Still feel like nothing will ever change in my life, but I can't let that get to me. It will only stay the same if I let it and I recognize that I need to do something about it. And I plan on it. I'm taking the steps I need to get to one place. If I could only get the rest in order...

Been thinking about what goes on in my mind. I believe that everything I feel when I write negatively is a direct result of all the shit I hide on a daily basis. And I don't want to let anyone know what I hide. I'm happy hiding it because I don't want to deal with the judgement or bullshit that will follow should I let it out. There is just so much stuff that I carry around with me and for someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, it's really hard to contain sometimes.

The ones who know me know my secrets. They know who I'm dating and why the rest of the world isn't ready to know. They know that although I pay for everything in this rotten apartment, I don't live alone all of the time. They know why January 10th, 2007 was the worst day of my life. They know all of those things about me. I'm just so tired of all of the other shit I keep locked away.

I lock away the fact that the majority of the time I'm not here. Like mentally, I'm not here. I'm in a dream world somewhere. That is how I cope with how unhappy I am. I'm not suicidal. I could never NOT be grateful for the beautiful life that I have. That's just stupid. I'm just so confused. And it's sad to say that at 28 years old. It's sad to realize that I have no drive to push myself beyond what I'm doing. I would say that 70% of the time I'm happy... but it's not enough. That 30% tackles the 70% when I allow it to.

I am a strange bird. I get mad at stupid things. I'm not ashamed of myself. I believe in what I believe in. I believe that you shouldn't hurt the people who love you, who would do anything for you. I believe that it's fucked up when it's your birthday and your pregnant best friend of 21 years books her fucking baby shower on the only fucking day that you get to celebrate you. I would never do something like that... but that makes ME the weird one. I gag a little every time I have to hear "oh baby, stop kicking mommy" when the baby kicks. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like I'm constantly envying this life of hers and I'm pissed off that on my birthday I have to spend it in girl world with a bunch of women cooing at fucking booties and burp cloths.

What happened to me? Well, I ruined my life by dating a man who is mid-divorce with 3 children. I know it sounds like a shitty thing to say, but it's true. As much as I love him and he loves me, I just don't see how we're ever going to have a beautiful life together. How am I going to ask him to have more children? He says it's fine and that he wants that life with me... but I feel weird. I get mad when people have babies because I had to make the decision to let mine go. And I hate it. I'm bitter. I don't see how I'm ever going to get passed it. I don't know when it won't feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. And so I'm pissy and I'm jealous and I'm angry that my life isn't picture perfect. Because I have no one to blame but me...

I can't function in reality anymore. I can't get a grasp on it. And it pisses me off. I'm better than this. I have to move forward. I have to. But I just want to dream away. I just want to get out of here. I want to break the cycle. I want to block out all of the bullshit questions I get asked on a daily basis. I want to stop feeling like this me. She's a bitch and I hate her. It's like nice me has been chipped away and I'm left with this... Where is nice me? I miss her dearly.

I've been hurt a lot in my life. I was talking to my cousin who is also from a broken home. Also treated like shit by her father. And she is a teacher. She was telling me that in class she spoke to her sophomore students about rejection of one of her characters by his parents. And she explained to them that rejection from your parents...either one or both... is the worst form of rejection you could ever feel. Because they made you. They're supposed to love you unconditionally, no matter what. And when they don't, it fucking hurts. And when she explained it to them like that (minus the F word, of course) they understood. And God only knows how many of those students were in that position and related fully to what she was saying. And I hate to wear my feelings out there for the world to see... but my father hurt me a lot. And it took a really really long time for me to be ok with him.

I am who I am. I can't change the blueprints. I just wish so badly that I could put everything aside and be the person I want to be. But that dream that I had... of who I would be... is crushed. It's crushed beneath all of the rubble that my life is. She is under there, somewhere. And that girl, the one I want to be... she knows how to do everything right. She knows how to put petty shit aside. She knows how to make the best of what life gives her. She loves reality and takes it with a grain of salt. She doesn't shut the world off and run away. She takes lemons and makes lemonade. And I need to keep digging to find her. She's there.

I know that there are WAY worse things going on in the world. And those things will help me realize that my shit is petty and me whining about it will not change any of it. And I know I keep saying I'm going to fix it, but that is because I know in my heart that I will. I just lose sight of what's important sometimes. And I'll get back to good. I will. I allow myself to feel this way until I can't tolerate the boo fucking hoo's anymore. It's coming. Until then, my secrets are going to continue to stay locked away. Even the ones that I've told you already. Like the time I told you that Matthew Gray Gubler rocks my socks. He still does. But you better not tell... it's a secret...

Thanks for reading...