'Round Here...

She says "it's only in my head"... She says "Shh, I know, it's only in my head"... But the girl on the car in the parking lot says "Man you should try and take a shot... can't you see my walls are crumbling?" Then she looks up at the building, says she's thinking of jumping... sick and tired of life... Every body's tired of something... 'Round here we're never sent to bed early and nobody makes us wait... 'Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late... I can't see nothing... nothing... 'round here...

Wow, three posts in one week... not bad. As I said yesterday... I'm in a really dark place right now. I don't understand people. I am tired of trying to figure people out. I don't understand selfishness and how it works for some and not for others. Others meaning me of course. I am not selfish. I don't know how to be. But I know that people would call me selfish. Although, I don't really know why.

I might as well have a tattoo on my forehead that says "WELCOME"... I do absolutely everything for everybody. And most of the time I really enjoy it. I like making people feel good and I love helping others. I'm not trying to sound like a saint, but I love seeing other people smile. If I can do that, then I feel I can do anything. But there is a big difference between helping people and being walked all over. There's a big difference between being asked to do something and being totally taken advantage of.

One of the guys that works on my team is a good guy. I grew up with him and by pure coincidence he ended up on my team about a year ago. There are a million things that I don't know about the people I work with and vice versa. He is the overnight guy and I'm the day shift girl so we see each other in the morning. We chit chat here and there. And last week when he came in with a black eye I asked what happened. He says he broke up with his girlfriend and she hit him. But it was a long time coming and they've been fooling themselves and blah blah blah. So last night in my really dark mood he calls me to tell me that his girlfriend's grandfather died and he's not gonna make it in to work. This was at 7:45 pm. His shift starts at 11 pm.

He then tells me that he already asked middle shift guy to cover him and he asked the general evening foreman if it was cool. Then asks me if it's ok. I try and be sensitive but I'm in a dark mood and I'm like "well I guess it really doesn't matter what I say, now does it? Looks like you took matters into your own hands." I probably sounded like the biggest bitch, but please understand that I am so jaded.

This is not the first time one of these guys called out with some bullshit excuse. In fact, the last mid shift dispatch guy went postal and just left, totally leaving me in the lurch. I am not a bitch. I give these guys whatever they need. I just hate having to deal with this. And the best part is that I can't get a hold of this guy to see if he's coming in to work tonight. Dude, at least have the decency to respond when I try and comply with this nonsense. When I text you what your deal is... you could write back either you're coming in or you're not.

I am tired of this. And I totally talked shit about him today and I feel all bad about it but the point is that you have a job. It's not his immediate family so I just don't get it. And maybe I am just an insensitive bitch, but my ass is always at work. And maybe that's foolish of me but I understand that it's my job to be there. More importantly, this guy doesn't even get paid for his days off. So you're taking a day off to be with your (ex?) girlfriend who punched you last week because her grandfather died? And you're asking mid shift guy to take care of your responsibilities because of this?

I just don't get it. And I am so fucking tired of people expecting me to get it. I cram so much shit into one day that I'm not even sleeping when I'm asleep because my mind is still racing. But I have responsibilities. I have things that I need to take care of and make them all work. That's life. If, God forbid, it was his grandmother or father of course I wouldn't even be writing this. That's your immediate family. Not HER immediate family. I don't care if I'm with someone 3 months or 14 years... I would never expect them to take an UNPAID day off to sit with me and watch my grandfather die. Especially if I punched you in the eye last week!

Had to vent this. I really am not this girl and I just had to get this bad shit outta me. I'm just a doormat. People walk all over me. Part of that is my fault because I allow them to. But half of the time they don't give me much choice... It's always given to me at the 11th hour when I can't say no. However, for the people I love and who love me I would do absolutely anything for. There is no two ways about that. No questions asked. It's just this little nonsense that gets me ticking.

Anyway, thanks for reading...