Crawling...

Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me... Distracting, reacting... Against my will I stand beside my own reflection... It's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again, my walls are closing in... Without the sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take... I've felt this way before, so insecure... Crawling in my skin... These wounds they will not heal... Fear is how I fall... Confusing what is real...

I'm having a tough time right now. Surprise, surprise, I know. Fear guides me. It leads me around by my nostrils. I never thought that I would be this girl. I never saw myself as this person. It's scary sometimes. To look in the mirror and not know who she is. I've blogged this before. But it could use a comeback. Because I'm here again. I'm in this dark place and I so badly want to just get out of it.

My life is a mess. It's a mess. There is no other way to describe it. One giant heap of straight up mess. And I don't know how to fix it. I'm so freakin afraid and so I just keep quiet. I'm so afraid to speak my mind because it doesn't make any sense. I know it doesn't make sense. I am a moron when it comes to love and life and the two combined. I ruin relationships. Ruin them. Because I'm afraid. I want what I want... even if it doesn't exist.

Special friend is the best person I've ever been in a relationship with. My last relationship ruined me. It broke my heart. It actually tore my heart out of my chest despite all of the stupid stuff that I did to cope with the nonsense. I kissed a few boys here and there. And I was ready to move on to another relationship before ours ended. I wasn't a ho, I just was ready to get out. And it seems that's how I roll when I want out. I'm a coward and so I do stupid things to make them break up with me... Like I said... I'm a moron.

I love Special friend. He makes every day easier. But fear steps in. I am so afraid of getting into this comfortable, I depend on you stuff. I don't want to rely on him for anything. He has other obligations. And they are far better than me. I know because I've met them. But I can't help but think, in the back of my mind, that I deserve someone to rely on. And then I think that it's selfish for me to think like that because I knew what I was getting into. The thing is, he wants me to be there in that place. In the rely on him place. And I just can't do it. I put up a wall because I can't do this.

Forever scares me to death. I used to dream of forever with someone. We would have a litter of kids and live in the country and be happy. White picket fence, cookie cutter stuff. And I can't think of it anymore. I can't get to that place. I can't get passed right now. That's a really tough pill for me to swallow. I don't want to let anyone down. I am my mother's only daughter... she has dreamt about my wedding. And I used to dream about it... but I can't anymore. I want so much more than this. I love Special friend. I don't see myself being without him. But I am scared to death of forever.

I feel like there's a riot going on in my brain. And it's no quiet riot. It's loud. It clouds my regular thoughts. Fearful of everything around me. Scared to death that I will fail at everything in my life and just be alone and never do anything worth something. And believe me... at this point, I feel like that's what I deserve. I'm a rotten individual for even thinking like this. Because I'm lucky to have people even care about me.

I will get out of this rut. I will. It's just so easy to get into it verses getting out of it. I am crawling in my skin... maybe it's just the PMS? Ah, we can chalk it up to that for now...

Thanks for reading...