Powerless...

I saw her face outside today, weather worn, looking all the rage they took her passion and her gaze and made a poster... Now it's moccasins we sport, we take the culture and contort, perhaps only to distort what we are hiding... Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you... But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do? But say what you want...

I've been promising a blog for the last couple of days, but failed to write due to the massive project I am involved in at work. It's not a project that will help all mankind or help babies in Africa... it's a billing project. A project that my boss thinks will get done by the time he finishes blinking his eyes. And I'm pretty sure he's blinked about 9 million times since he dropped the unrealistic deadline on us, but we distract him with other things. So tonight is the first night that I didn't have to bring work home. My neck hurts and it's spreading it's atrocious business down my left shoulder which is always fun. I took the night off from dance because it's week three and I really don't start going religiously until the end of October when we actually do something other than hop kicks which hurt my old hamstrings. So it's me. Here. Writing, as promised.

I've had a lot of time to think about how powerless I am. Powerless against the forces of nature and life. Everyone is always like "seize the day!" "life is what you want it to be!" "live your life to the fullest with no regrets!" Right. Has any real person actually tried that and succeeded?! For real though. Celebrities always say ridonkulous things like "I wanted to be an actress so I auditioned and it saved my life." and all that garbage. That's all it is... garbage. Shit like that doesn't happen to real people like me. I can't just drop everything and run off to pursue my dreams. My dreams have to fit into my everyday life which usually means they fall by the wayside. Because life is busy. All day everyday. Tired from work and living the American dream. Right.

I think about how unfair all of it is sometimes and I have to believe that the end result will be glorious. Because I see people who call themselves "Snooki" and "The Situation" making millions for going to a fucking party and it makes me grind my teeth. I'm not jealous of them because I'm not a fucking mook. I would never parade myself on TV like that nor do I ever want to. But really. I work 2, sometimes 3, jobs to support myself. If I had known years ago that getting drunk on camera would one day make me and my friends millions, I would have taped every single weekend at my house. We would be set for life. But no, I work. I work hard. I earn my money. And I'm proud of that.

And I have to believe that the end result is gonna be great. That great wasn't meant for me here on Earth. That I would learn to be grateful for every single thing I have. Every single thing that I worked so hard for and when my time here is done, I'll get to great. I'm ok with good. I see people like Michael Vick who run operations that are illegal and harmful and terrible, and this dude is making more money than I'll ever see. And I have to believe that in the end, him and I are going to 2 completely different places. That God doesn't like ugly and always knows what's happening and what to do with people like Michael Vick. I have to believe that. This isn't a religious post, I promise. I just have to believe that sometimes we just have to give it to God. That I am powerless most of the time. And that all of the people and things in my life are here to help me out along the way. To make this journey a little less miserable. And that helps me get through the day.

Nothing was ever easy for me. I don't deserve a medal for it. No one has it easy. The problem is that everyone walks around like they are owed something and the truth is that they're not. I don't deserve to get a new pair of shoes every week. But if that's what I want and I can afford to do it, then why shouldn't I buy them? I don't believe that's greed. I don't believe it's excessive. I believe that certain things help us get to the next day. Help us make it through another week. These things are around to help us, but not one of us should walk around like we deserve menial things. You have to earn them. It makes the journey so much more enjoyable. Knowing that even though you're powerless to whatever is set for your life, you have the power to make each day a little easier.

I remember certain times when I got myself into some stupid shit but I made it through unharmed. I was stupid and foolish. And I don't know how I made it, but every day I'm grateful. Everyday I know how lucky I am to be here. I get pissy and bitchy, but grateful never goes away. And I'm not preaching, I'm just saying. I'm scarred and I'm broken on the inside, but I'm learning. I'm a work in progress. And I'm ok with that for now. I'm not perfect, but no one is. And I'm powerless. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I'm ok with waiting to find out. I'm ok with the journey, for once. I know it's cheesy but so much bad shit has gone on around me that I have to find the silver lining, even if it takes me longer than I wanted it to. I will continue to be the person that people need me to be because that's who I am. There will always be this little girl inside of me begging for clarity, but I know how to calm her now.

Anyway, I'm going to lay down with my heating pad and try to ease the tension out of the left side of my neck. But remember, even though we are powerless, we have the ability to see what's in front of us and take it for exactly what it is. And that's pretty rad...

When you feel so powerless what are you gonna do...

Thanks for reading...