Life Lives...

You can not fully live without knowing what you're here for right now... You're not here by accident... Life lives... If you don't know the way and you're lost, this truth will bridge the gap and carry you across... You're not here by accident... Life lives...

I am going to be completely honest. I don't know that I can say 100% that I am fully satisfied with my life. I know that most people feel this way. There's more that they want and more that they need. There is more that they saw for themselves. There's a lot of life that hasn't really come to fruition yet. I get that I'm not alone. But I feel alone. Because my mind has been somewhere else lately. Not in a scary bi-polar place, but a place that I feel I have seen before. And it's scary to me. I'm afraid that I am not who I say I am. I'm afraid that I'm a liar. I'm afraid that I don't know if that even makes sense.

I like my life for the most part. I have awesome friends and the best special friend a girl could ask for. I have a crazy family that makes my ulcers flare, but they are my blood and I wouldn't even know how to function without the insanity. What I'm a little weird about right now is my future. I want more. Not in a materialistic way. In a feeling kindof way. I don't need more material things. God knows I have plenty. Shit that I don't even need but I've managed to convince myself that I need. My issue is that my mind has been wandering outside of my realm lately. I haven't been fully here since the middle of the summer. I feel like I'm just vacant. And not in a depressed "the Zoloft isn't working" kindof way. It's just that I'm having a hard time functioning in reality. And that scares me.

The reason why it scares me is because I have been here before. I have been to the place where I wander outside of reality and hate when I'm forced to come back down. I get scared of finality. The word forever scares the shit out of me. Seriously. And the fact that my forever with special friend might happen within the next couple of years... there's me being scared to death. Is that the craziest thing you've ever heard?! Am I that girl? I'm scared. Why am I scared?

I am always thinking of something that's why I'm scared. What if I get married and only disappoint my partner? I feel like marriage is setting me up for a lifetime of constant disappointment. I feel that way because it is that way all the time. I do what I want to do. And I don't think I'm selfish. It's very rare that I actually do shit for myself. But I don't want someone to be able to control the tides of my life and take me to places that I don't want to go. I want to call the shots. I have always taken care of myself and proven that I can succeed even if I stumble along the way. I don't control the tides of my life, so why would I let someone else? I just don't want to live my life constantly wondering if there was more I could have done.

Is that strange? Am I a commitment-phobe? The idea of checking the married status box on any sort of paperwork puts a knot in my stomach. And it's not that I don't love special friend. He is the best and I adore him with all of my heart. But the idea of marriage and forever leaves a bad taste in my mouth. What if I mess up? Don't tell me I won't, because I know me. I mess shit up all the time. Not to deliberately fuck it up, it's usually by accident. But people ALWAYS let me know when I've fucked up and I don't know that I can stand the idea of being with someone forever and hearing what a shit I am.

I don't know... I just don't know anymore. I don't know that I'm satisfied with the web that I've weaved in terms of where I would like my life to go. And that ticks me off a little. While everyone around me is having kids or planning on trying to get pregnant next ovulation cycle, I'm so completely not there yet. I want babies. Of course I want babies. But everything about the whole idea of creating a family just freaks me out. I don't know if I'm just mentally fucked up or if this will pass. I used to want it all and I lived in this perfect little happy bubble and someone popped it and I was left here, bitter. I was left here to figure it out. And I found love again. But I'm not the same. And maybe that's why I'm so scared. I don't ever want to hurt special friend and I am so afraid that I will... Sigh.

Anyway, I have work to do. My deadline with this project is Friday and I still have about 500 more entries to take care of. But I just wanted to write this out. Ah, you know the drill.

You're not here by accident... Life lives...

Thanks for reading...