Free of Me...

Something's wrong from the hilltop... I know you can see I look strong, all together... Though inside I'm weak... Still I bleed... Still I wait to heal the wound from my crime... What I need are more bandages, they've torn over time... I can be who you wanted, somewhere down the road... When I'm whole, when the rains are done, when I've reaped all I've sown... But here and now, on my hands and knees I crawl through the mire... And your bed is so soft and warm, I'm weary and tired... Leave me alone... I'll find another home... I'm on my knees, crying out please... You're shelter from the rain... Turn around and walk away... Go now, and don't look back... My life's come off it's tracks and you should be Free of Me...

I recently stumbled across this song in my Joshua Radin obsession mode. What a song. I believe that every human being has felt this way. Simply because we are human. I know this song rings very true in my life. I believe that I am a black cloud, destined to ruin everything that crosses my path. Maybe I should get a t-shirt made stating that fact. "BEWARE... I ruin everything"... Something to that effect. So that people know when they come near me and I've given them fair warning.

Relationships have been on my mind A LOT lately. I've been sifting through all the bullshit of my life, trying to figure out what I've done wrong. I'm trying to be a better person. And what could be a better example than me 10 years ago? Or me 5 years ago? What was I like? What did I do to fuck up the relationships that I was in? Did I take anything away from those lessons I was supposed to be learning? And so I sit and wonder and pick myself apart. I honestly don't know what the fuck I was thinking by dating some of the guys I dated. The red flags were all over the place and I didn't see them. And so I can breathe easy with those. I don't have to dwell on the red flag infested ones. But the ones that really meant something, those are hard to sift through.

The truth is that special friend is the only guy I've ever been with who loves me for exactly who I am. Sometimes I'll catch him giving me a funny look, but he doesn't hold it against me. When I go out with friends (oh so very rarely) I don't even LOOK at anyone else. I have no desire to. And that's a really big deal for me. I have had a wandering eye for years but I think it was because I was searching for something more than what I was getting. With the exception of the dreams of Matthew Gray Gubler, I don't even think about anyone else. And it has nothing to do with guilt and everything to do with what I like. Special friend means the world to me and I would never want to ruin anything that we have.

That being said... I wish he would open his eyes and see that I am a basket case and run while there is still time. I am so afraid that if I make him hang around, let's say, forever... that he's gonna realize what a lunatic I am and leave me. I pray every day that he goes back to his ex-wife for the sake of their kids because I am afraid I'm going to change and no longer make him happy. And when I say those prayers I always end up telling God that I didn't mean it and please don't let him leave. What a bi-polar disaster.

Pretty much everyone I know is going through something. One of the women that I work with has a cranky husband who is sick all the time. She broke down and cried to me today because of it. She is also not feeling 100% and so for her to have to be 100% for him is really tough. But she does it because she is his wife and believes in that "in sickness and in health" shit even though he won't do anything to help himself. And she apologized to me for crying and I told her that she's human and she's allowed to break down. But she also told me that she doesn't know how much more she can take. She said that she doesn't know if she can keep taking care of someone who wants to be taken care of, but is still so completely miserable.

Other friends of mine are constantly being pushed to limits they shouldn't get pushed too. Husbands or boyfriends telling my friends that they are the ones ruining the relationship. No one wants to change. No one wants to sacrifice their shit for someone else. Relationships are give and take. When you are constantly fucking taking... you're going to find yourself in a very lonely place. People take people for granted. It's a fact and a part of life. That doesn't mean it's acceptable. Everyone has a breaking point. Your brain and your heart can only take so much. You wake up one day and go "what the fuck am I doing here?!" Know that if your partner treats you like crap, it's not OK. If someone isn't willing to compromise with you, it's not OK. Especially if you're the one doing all the giving and they're doing all the taking. And yea, you could blame yourself and tell yourself that you allowed it... but that will only take you so far. Bottom line, that's no way to live. And sometimes we wait it out for as long as we possibly can... but we all hit a breaking point.

And my fear is that special friend will one day hit a breaking point. When I ask him if he's really sure that he wants to be with me, he gets mad thinking I'm trying to reverse psychology him. That I'm trying to tell him that I don't want HIM. When the truth is that I'm fucking serious. I'm not normal. I need reassurance all the time... I don't have time for reverse psychology. I'm just trying to make sure you know what kind of mess you got yourself into by being with me. That's all. Just being courteous. Jeez.

Anyway, I think I'm done for today. I just wish that life didn't have to be so fucking complicated when it comes to love. If there is a lid to every pot then why the hell can't we just find it without all the drama? Because there is always the thought of a better lid out there. And society has made that thought acceptable. And I believe that you should find the perfect lid... but there are so many lids out there that look better when they're really not. And there are thousands of them out there. I would like to not sound so cynical... but I am what I am. I believe in a great love story and I believe that all you really do need is love... unfortunately, it's just not that easy...

Thanks for reading...