Most kinds of stories save the best part for last.... Most stories have a hero who finds you make your past your past... It's a brand new day... The sun is shining... It's a brand new day... For the first time in such a long long time I know I'll be ok...
So today was a weird day. Been having a lot of those lately. Just weird. Last week was the last of my boo friggin hoo's. I shoved them away like the big bully that I am. I was tired of being sad. Plus, special friend expressed to me that he has noticed a real downward spiral in me and that kind of creeped me out. He said I was vacant and he didn't know how to help me. There are times when I really love being in a relationship, and there are times when I just want to be left alone. This little tiff we had kinda put me in both places. I respected that he cared enough and was concerned, and on the other hand I got all defensive and all independent woman like "I don't have to explain myself to you!" You know, like that.
So when he expressed his concern, it made me a little concerned too. Because most of the time I put up a really good front. I can usually pretend really well. I can do the really good lie "I'm fine" nonsense. I don't like having to defend myself. I just don't. I don't like explaining myself to people. It takes away my ability to feel like an enigma and that pisses me off. I can usually put up a real happy front, but I guess that front was coming down. I couldn't even fake it anymore. And once it was brought to my attention I felt a little better. I felt like there wasn't a front to put up. The jig was up. He knew stuff was bothering me, so I didn't have to fake it. I let it out, all was good, and bye bye boo friggin hoo's.
My emotions are out of control. Saying my emotions are like a roller coaster is an understatement. Maybe I am a little bi-polar, but whatever. I like being this way. Again, it makes me mysterious and not so predictable. It's very hard to try and tell yourself not to be effected by things. It's your snap judgement that you have to trust. It's those gut feelings that guide you. It's the truth. Majority of the time, "they" say, you should trust what your guts tell you. And I do. Whether I express that or not is up to me. Usually I don't. But I get some pretty wicked gut feelings. And today I got one. And at first it bothered me, and then it didn't.
I have been working at this job for six years. When I think about the last six years it all kinda mushes together. All I know is that I used to be happy at this job. I used to enjoy going there every day. Now, it sucks my will to live completely out of me. I can't get up in the morning. I don't want to deal with everyone's bullshit attitudes. I'm tired of the nonsense that they have me do sometimes. Things I used to enjoy now piss me off. And I do all that is asked of me because that is my job. I never say no. And that's the problem. I haven't had a vacation that consisted of taking off more than two days in four years. FOUR years. I haven't seen any tropical island. I haven't gambled away a week's worth of cash in Vegas. I have not walked the hills of San Francisco since December 2005. I do weekend jaunts to places so that I can be back to work on Monday because I have NO backup. There is no one to cover me if I take off. BONKERS.
Back to today... I overheard my boss talking to the big bosses of our company. When I say overheard I don't mean I was straining my ears to hear him. He sits 3 desks away and was talking pretty loud. I heard him say that the client we are working for is trying to eliminate dispatch. Why do I care? Well because I'm manager of the dispatch team. Lucky for me I do four thousand other things besides dispatch, but seriously. Eliminate the position all together. That means 2 guys have to get laid off. As I sat there, continuing to hear what he said, I thought "I better start looking for a new job" because it won't be long before they're trying to eliminate other stuff that I do. I also heard him talking about me. These guys are so stupid. They still haven't figured out that I am a girl and I have the ability, because it comes with my DNA, to decode their stupid man talk. I know he was talking about me. I'm the only "she" there that works in another building on Wednesdays. As KVD would say "it's not rocket surgery."
So that scared me a little. My guts jumped when I heard what he was talking about. But in the same split second that I felt fear, I felt this little blip in my stomach. I think it was excitement. Because I've worked with them for six years and I know I am capable of doing so much more. But I couldn't leave. I felt like we were a family. As stupid as that just sounded... But now, if they're going to weed me out somehow, then looking for another job isn't so bad, right? I applied to seven. Seven new prospects. And yea, that scares the piss out of me, but that little blip of excitement, the butterflies, that's enough to keep me hopeful.
I had a smile on my face. And whether it was there just because of hope, whatever. It was there. I am going to remain hopeful. This change may push me to do all of the things I want to do instead of constantly hating my life and the person I am. I am not jumping the gun... I don't want to be jobless... but I'm hopeful. Someone out there will have faith in me. So I'll keep hoping... we shall see what 2010 is really all about...
It's a brand new day...
Thanks for reading...
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