A Long December...

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last... I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass...

This song might just be one of the most depressing songs I've ever heard... but I get it. I've heard a lot of depressing songs in my life, but I'm an emotional cutter. I listen to songs and watch movies or shows that I know will make me cry. Sometimes you need a good friggin cry. I'm all about a good cry every now and then. I try not to do it as often as I used to, but it happens. And usually once I cry, I'm good for a while.

This song has always gotten to me. Maybe it was the catchy "na-na's" or maybe it was just that I got it. You don't have to be a genius to figure out how depressing this song is or that it was written, clearly, when he was in some sort of emotional disaster. But again, I get it. I feel it. I have been there and so it works for me.

It has been one heck of a year. The odd number years always mess with me. Since 2001 every odd number year after that has just been horrible. 2009 hasn't been horrible, but I cried way too much. And I'm looking forward to 2010. I'm looking forward to the possibility of changing my life for the better. I'm looking forward to pushing myself to do the things that I want to do. I'm going to finish my screenplay in 2010. It's a genius idea and I'm tired of sitting on it. I know that it will be the coolest project I've ever worked on... I just have to finish. And I will.

I have been judged more this year than any other year. A lot of people hurt me this year with their words and I am not okay with that. Special friend's family judges me because of my age. My whole family judges me because of my weight. Certain "friends" judged my decisions that I made. I don't care anymore. I am me. I can't change that. I have tried and I always end up back at square one. I have changed for the better in terms of how I react to these judgements. Years ago I would have moped around. I'm grown now... there is no time for moping.

But I know this much... I have never been so nervous and on edge as I have been through 2009. I was always nervous, but not to the point where it affected the way I live in a bad way. And this year, it finally hit me. I had heart palpitations and experienced panic attacks like never before and I will not tolerate that anymore. It's all in your head, kiddo. Let it go...

I am not putting any pressure on 2010, I just know that it's going to be a good year. But until then, it's a long December... patiently awaiting the arrival of a clean slate...

Thanks for reading...