Faithfulness...

Come back to me with all your heart... Don't let fear keep us apart... Trees do bend, though straight and tall... So must we to others call... The wilderness will lead you to your heart where I will speak... Integrity and justice, with tenderness, you shall know... You shall sleep secure with peace... Faithfulness will be your joy... Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply a new life...

At the beginning of 2009 I went back to church. I hadn't been to church, probably, since I was 15 years old. I had a long battle with God and whether or not He existed. I was scarred by life and I blamed it on the fact that there couldn't possibly be a God out there. And so I stopped going to church after I made confirmation. Had no desire to go.

Around 18 I turned to drugs. Drugs was the way to go for me. Did that for 2 years straight... over did it, in fact. And then, 6 months before my 21st birthday, my stepfather died. His death was hard on me. It still is. But initially, I turned to drinking. Anything to get my mind off of the fact that I hated my life. And I hated God more for taking the one person that made my mother truly happy. And I was happy doing every possible thing in the world to harm my body just so I wouldn't have to think straight. Thinking straight was never a good thing.

It has only been in like the last 5 years that I actually started giving a shit about myself. And last year I took the step I needed to heal. I needed to forgive myself and I needed to be forgiven. I'm not a Bible beater or born again. I say curse words and do sinful things sometimes... And I would never push my beliefs on anyone, but I pushed God away along time ago when he was probably the healthiest route for me to go. Maybe I wouldn't be as damaged as I am now. Oh well, you can't go back.

Going to church every week makes me feel good. It makes me feel like a better person. It's something I care about. And although I still sin a lot of the time, it's crazy how much I care when I do. Like I said, I'm no Bible beater or Holy roller... I am hardly holy. But I believe what I believe and it makes me feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a very long time.

The truth is that last night, in the car coming home from my company Christmas party, He was with me. I know that sounds super religious, but He was with me. Maybe you're reading this and thinking that I am a total kook, but I gave it to God last night. When I got on the road and was slipping and sliding, I gave it to God. I prayed the whole way home and just begged to get us home safely... and He did. I don't believe in luck anymore. I have never been lucky so I can't say that I got lucky last night. I know what I know.

There are so many times when I have put myself in harms way and wondered what I did to deserve to be okay. I wonder how the hell I lived through all the drug problems when so many people don't. I wondered what could ever become of me after all that I had done in my life. And I wonder how it was possible that I didn't crash into that car last week on black ice and stopped, literally, 1 inch away from the car in front of me. I don't wonder anymore. I know what I know. I know that if you believe in something, you have to believe in it 100% for it to show itself to you. Whatever you believe in...

This song that I started with means a lot to me. We used to sing it at sleep away camp and it always made me cry... I never understood the full meaning of it until I saw it in the music book at church and everything became crystal clear. Again, I'm not pushing anything on anyone, I'm just blogging...

Thanks for reading...