All My Loving...

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you... Remember I'll always be true... And then while I'm away I'll write home everyday... And I'll send all my loving to you...

This little face. She's bewitched me. I have been home for 4 days and I miss her. My heart hurts when I think about her. Since I met her last week I had this feeling in my guts. A feeling that from that moment on I never wanted to miss more than I already had. And there is nothing I can do about it.

My cousins and I grew up together in this crazy family. The three of us have been through everything together. We survived the fucked up lives that we were forced to lead. The family drama. The nonsense. The non-stop shitty consequences of actions we couldn't control. And the truth is that I miss them every single day. We lived in the same house for a while. Then we lived far apart for a long time. Then we were all together again. Then we were far apart again. And the truth is that since they moved to Arizona I couldn't go visit. Because my heart breaks when our time together ends.

But this beautiful baby was born. And I promised I would go when she arrived. And I went. And I didn't want to leave. I cried all the way from Tucson to Phoenix. Like sobbed. For ninety minutes straight. So completely heartbroken that I had to leave my family again. I can't live in Arizona. It's not my type of place right now. And they can't live in New York because it's not their type of place right now. And so I have to miss out on the kids. I can't be there every day. But I feel like I left my heart there. And that's why it took me seven years to get my ass across the country. Because I can't deal when it's over.

I feel like a lost puppy. My mind is there with them. With the people who help me feel like I make sense. Who make me feel like I'm not alone in my feelings and my troubles and my mental drama. We are different individuals, and yet, we're three of a kind. And now that this beautiful baby has stolen my heart, I'm afraid it's going to be a long time before I'm good again. I miss her so much. I miss her smell and her cry. I just miss everything about being there. But I don't belong there. My life is here. I don't ever see myself living so far away from my family and friends that are here. But damn, this is so hard. With every day that passes I think about how it's more of her life that I'm missing. And that makes me really sad.

Anyway, I just had to share. I had to work it out. Had to at least try and get back to good.

All my loving, I will send to you...

Thanks for reading...