Conspiracy...

Where can I turn? Cause I need something more... Surrounded by uncertainty I'm so unsure... Tell me why I feel so alone cause I need to know to whom do I owe... Explain to me this conspiracy against me... And tell me how I've lost my power...

Let me explain me... I am a wreck. Pretty much 24/7. Like always worried to a point where I make myself crazy. It's weird because I know I've always been like this. I can remember times in my childhood where I made myself a wreck. The only defense I have is that this is me. This is who I am. I've tried to change it. I've tried breathing exercises and counting to 10 and all that jazz. It doesn't work. My mind is constantly in defense mode. It's like I'm constantly trying to stop myself from getting hurt and so I'm constantly thinking about things so I'm prepared.

I remember getting anxiety when I was little when my dad would drop me off at my house at the end of the weekend and getting a stomach ache, praying to God that my mom would be home. Because when she wasn't home it would go something like this "I can't believe she's not home... your mother doesn't care about you enough to be home on time." Yea. So if anyone asks why I am this way... it's an acquired taste. I gave myself an ulcer 3 years ago when that relationship I've confronted on this blog was ending. He would call me everyday and yell at me for something and I would be on my floor in the fetal position because the burning in my torso was unbearable.

I understand that I do this to myself and that it probably can be fixed. But what would be fun about that? I can see myself working it out and then like 10 years down the line exploding because of all of my pent up emotions. See that, I'm always thinking...

This weekend I was a little anxious. I actually surprised the crap out of myself at how calm I was on the outside. The inside was a little screwy, but whatever. I was meeting special friend's family. Normally, family loves me. This is not normal. This situation is VERY different from any other situation. Because I am younger than him, to them I am a child. And I have no business being the 3rd person he's introduced to them. I'm just another one ... that's what they're thinking.

So we go to this party and I am ready for it. I already know who's going to be nice and who to avoid like the plague. And I was right. All that mental preparation does pay off sometimes. The thing is, I figured they'd warm up to me eventually and I couldn't have been more wrong. In fact, the oldest brother wouldn't even look at me. And his wife tried, but she just kept looking at me like I was a baby in diapers. Look, you want to be like that? Fine. I don't care. I could care less about what you think of me. The fact is, in my 28 years here, I've lived a thousand lives more than any of them. I've been through so many things that I look at them and I feel sorry for them. I feel bad that they will never know just how great they have it.

When the aforementioned couple left she kissed me and said it was nice to meet me. I thank all the wine for that. He, on the other hand, did something that went like this: He put his hand out to shake mine and I went with it, he did not look at me, and said "it was nice meeting you young lady." YOUNG LADY?! I haven't been called young lady in at least 15 years and I believe my mother was the last one to call me that when I was in trouble. It was rude and uncomfortable to say the least. But I was ready for it. Every time he had entered a room, I walked out. I was not going to make a weird situation even weirder.

The rest of the siblings were fantastic. And I really appreciated their hospitality. And they were able to be grown ups and take an awkward situation and make the most out of it. The fact is, there are people that are so wound up that they can't just lighten up. You are not better than me because you're older than me. We're all human. Point blank. You work 16 hour days? So do I. But I don't get paid like you do so lighten up. You don't work? I do. I bust my ass every single day at all 3 jobs that I work to support myself. You can't take a minute to be nice to someone and get your nose out of the air? My momma taught me better than that.

Anyway, I've got a wicked headache today. I guess all the stress that I wasn't putting out there yesterday is taking it's toll today. But I'm totally fine with that. I know that I am a good person. And I would do anything for their brother and vice versa. He's the only person that ever loved me for exactly who I am. I am a damn wreck 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and looks at me and sees the person he loves. I don't know why, but he does. And that makes me damn lucky to have someone like that. And that should be what's important to his family. Not that he's mid-divorce and seeing me. They should see that their brother has a smile on his face.

Some people walk around with blinders on... I, on the other hand, see everything. I make sure I check everything out and over analyze everything because this is my life. I'll be damned if someone is going to pull the wool over my eyes. I've been through too much to think that life doesn't throw curve balls. It always does...

Thanks for reading...