On Love, In Sadness...

Sing about that love it's a brittle madness... I sing about it in all my sadness... It's not falsified to say that I found God so inevitably... well it still exists so pale and fine I can't dismiss... And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried... And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain... And pour over everything we say we trust... Well it happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors... Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure I'm sure...

I am so incredibly sad today. I have my ups and downs... more downs than ups lately. And I could go to therapy, but I don't want to. I don't want to be told whether or not I'm depressed and be put on a cocktail of medications that are going to make me crazier than usual. I don't want all of those toxic things floating through my body making me rely on them forever. I want to figure out how to get by all by myself.

That may sound stupid to you. Why torture yourself? Because the latter would be torture for me. I don't want someone diagnosing me about something I already know. You go to a therapist when you don't know what's causing your sadness. I know what causes my sadness. I just don't know how to cope with it. So I get down really hard on myself and then I sit here and blog about it. Because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to blurt out all of my mistakes in life. And all of the things that I've done that have hurt people. The difference between me and the next asshole is that I actually care about the shit I've done and I feel really bad about it.

Guilt plagues me on a daily basis. There are days when I can block it out like it's not there. And then I have days like today where it consumes me. I could go into the self help section and find a book about coping with my guilt, but the guilt that I feel won't be in there. It will tell me to find some cushy way to talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm a good person. The things is, most of the time I am... but there are some parts in my life where I wasn't and it kills me. So talking to me in the mirror won't change the way I feel because the only day I would talk to myself in the mirror to tell myself how great I am would be a day when I hate my guts and avoid mirrors at all costs.

I'm not clinically depressed. I cry for reasons. I don't sit here and wonder why I'm crying. I am fully aware of my feelings. I get walked all over by my family like a door mat. I am to blame for the end of someone else's marriage. I am good with my life but I know it could be better. I work my ass off only to have FICA take my money at the end of the week. I just want to be happy. I just want to know that things will be alright. I want marriage and I want babies and I want the fucking white picket fence. (That's a lie, I hate white picket fences and all that cookie cutter bullshit, but I will SO take a black picket fence) The point is that I've done this to myself. Where I'm at now is purely because of me. There is no blame game. Everything about me is because of what I've done to get here.

I told my mom the other day that I liked when she could fix everything. I like that when I had a boo boo she would kiss it and it would feel better. You can't kiss a broken heart. Scraped knees from falling off of a bike were so much easier to deal with than the emotional scars that are left deep within your soul. I hate that my step dad is gone. I hate that my past has led me here. Yes there are some great aspects of my life, but on days like today, all of those wonderful things are clouded up by sad and sorry thoughts.

So what do you do? I can't apologize to the people I've hurt. They would never hear me out. I've already made my peace with God (at least that's what the priest said). I don't know what else to do. You control your destiny. You make your life what you want it to be. So why did I make it happen this way? Why didn't I realize how quickly everything would change? Is that how it is for everyone? I can't believe I'm here again. I can't believe I'm twenty-eight years old and I'm still asking these questions. I can't believe how difficult it is sometimes just to deal with yourself knowing that there is more out there, but you're just not striving for it.

I hate being this way. And most of the time I'm not. I have just wanted to write all day. All day new thoughts have popped into my head. Am I doing the right things? If I continue to stay on the straight and narrow... will life make sense eventually?

You look for love and you find it... but then you start to unravel. I don't want to unravel anymore. But the love I've found is complicated and that is where the majority of my guilt stems from. Did I break up their family? Or was their family destined to break up had I not been around? There are all these questions reeling through my mind on a daily basis and I don't want them to go away because that means that I still feel. Feeling means that you're alive. Alive is good.

But sometimes the thoughts are overwhelming (like today) and I think about my love and my sadness and all the pain that I've felt and that we've felt together. And I don't like letting it get to me... but I feel like I've lived a thousand lives with all the grief and all of the things that I've lost. I know that it could be worse and that there are worse things going on in the world and that puts my life into perspective when I feel like this. It's just that when you feel like this, it's hard to think about other people's lives when you're so concentrated on your own personal sadness.

We all deal with it the best way we can I guess. There is no other way to do it. And tomorrow I may wake up feeling nothing like I felt today. I am happy every morning knowing that I made it to see another day. There is no doubt in my mind that I am so incredibly lucky to be here and to be able to do all the things that I'm able to do. It's just that sometimes, it's better to be alone so I can't be toxic to people I'm around. I don't want this shit to rub off on anyone who might be having a wonderful day.

Tomorrow will be better... I'm going to make sure of it.

Thanks for reading...