Graveyard...

So fill your lungs this one last time... In my nightmare there is no place to hide... This plague will take on everyone... Even the sunrise won't save us from night's fateful cry... Listen you almost hear me laughing, watching as the world ends, never thought it'd end this way... Lightening, graveyard burning bright now... Watching as the world ends, lying in this six foot grave... There's vacancy...

What's in your graveyard? What skeletons lie there beneath the surface? What new ones have joined the old ones? Years ago I thougt my graveyard was overcrowded but I see now, as the years have passed, that there was plenty of room for more.

I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't know who that girl is staring back at me. But I see her scars and her pain and I know she's been through a lot and so I don't give her any shit for being who she is that day.

And in my graveyard are so many "me's" that have died with each blow in my life. And I guess that's how we grow in life. Things happen, some big, some little, but we change each time. Not that we change, but we become who we want to be to get through the situation. I've lost so many people in my life that when each one passed, a part of me did too. And so, in addition to all the funerals I've been to for the ones I lost and all the mourning I did for the ones who left, I realize that I have never mourned the loss of me. No one mourns the loss of the old you because it probably was time for a change. So however many times I've lost myself, there was never a need to mourn because I was happy to change and move on.

I'm writing about my graveyard today because I just feel stuck in this shell dealing with everyone elses bullshit and hating my own life because of it. How does that happen? When does life fall out of your hands? Can you pin point the moment when you lost all sense of what you were doing? This me, the one I am today, is broken and scarred and I can't make her better. And this time, I don't know how to go with it. I don't know how to be this girl. She's a stranger to me and I don't know if I want to get to know her.

How did I let that happen? I hate that my life has turned out the exact way I didn't want it to. I just don't understand. Its like, all your life you plan and plan and you say the things that you want and believe they are going to happen that way... and then they don't. And you're so busy that you don't even realize it... until you do. And you realize that your graveyard is also filled with all of your lost dreams.

I really am not trying to sound ungrateful. My broken dreams and heart have led me to this place. And it's not as bad as I think it is... I'm just checking out my graveyard and realizing that there is way too much shit buried here and it's all because of me... and that's a little scary...